A better me...
This is something I want to challenge myself to think about. Since February I have been working to become Jessica again. I do not want to go into detail about what I changed about myself since I already have a post about that. (The Last Eight Months) I do however want to think about the positive change after those eight months. I have talked about in other post, how I get the positive comments of "you seem more happy" "this is you." etc. But I want to think about it for myself now.
On a daily now I wake up in a better mood, because I did not go to bed crying the night before. I always found myself crying myself to sleep... I never really had an answer to why I did this other than thinking about things I knew could happen, and probably would happen if the opportunity came up. I no longer have to worry about the safety of another who constantly put themselves in danger. I am more thankful of how I was raised, and the love and support I get from everyone around me. I do not wake up wishing to not live in this house, or try and find way not to go home right away, because of the tension I was causing.
I caused the tension with my family. My mom hated how I was acting, and could not stand the reason for this. I love my mom more than ever, she only wanted to protect me, and our relationship now is better than I think it has ever been. She new I had to find this out on my own, but she defiantly did not like me for the longest.
I put one person before family, friends, and other who cared deeply about me. When it came to certain situation, I remember defending the person over someone who has known me since I was two. Actually, I think this happened about three times. I regret this more than anything. She never would have done that to me, why did I do that to her? I was stuck! I was brain washed into this mean
mindset. I basically let someone control my emotions, play with them! I control me again!
I asked some people who either saw me everyday, most days of the week, and someone who I basically cut off for their input and I want to share what they said!
~My friends who saw me everyday:
"You didn't really smile or laugh as much but now you do.
"Your stronger now because of the relationship because that person put you through hell and now you know what happiness truly is."
~My cousin who saw/ sees me most days out of the week:
"You smile more, your friendlier, your more available, you are happier."
~Someone I cut off:
"You communicate more laugh and smile"
I take these all to heart, and I am challenging myself to continue to grow as a better person, respect myself, and be me! I am still learning who I am, and I am determine to bounce back from this setback. I challenge myself to put be happy and thankful for my life, and the people in it. I can only grow! In about two week I will be twenty years old. I can not believe it! I am starting now to no longer wonder what if that never happened? and to no longer even think about it. I gave myself two weeks to be sad when it all went down, but I have spent way to much time on thinking about everything in all. It is time to completely move on, and destroy the little bit of wall still standing form this. Turning twenty is my day, my time, to start new, focus on me, and fully be me again, only better!
I am now asking that no one refers to the past, or who was in it. I no longer want to think about it! I ask for positive thought, and comments always! :)
I want to end this post in more of a prayer like Bible verse/ thought
Father, today I choose to let go of the past mistakes, failures and setbacks. I choose to set my eyes on you and move boldly into the good future you have prepared for me.
Philippians ch 3
Monday, September 19, 2016
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Two Tattoos
I grew up with a father who had tattoos up and down his arms, and within the past 10 years my mom started getting tattoos as well! I can not count them all, but both parents have them! So, what was the chance that I would ever get one?
When I was younger I would tell myself I would never get one! Then came the day, I got a phone call while being at my dads for the weekend! "Jessica I have a surprise for you" is what I heard my mother say on the other side of the phone! Thinking this was something physically for me, I remember rushing into the living room at my dads house and saying "I'm ready to go home" (what a great thing to say to your dad when you only spend every other weekend with him!) I do not remember his exact expression, but I know he was shocked!
Fast forward to me arriving back at moms... As I run in the house asking "mom what is it? Show me, show me" as any kid would. She turned around, and I saw this angle with my name above it, and my birthday below it! Now, long story short this was my moms second tattoo at the time, and I only remember feeling quite bummed but happy to see it! I thought it was cool that my mom had something dedicated to me. (BUT..it is a tattoo, and I was a kid, so I was still sort of bummed)
After all of those years of saying no, I believe that this is when I started to say "wow those are so cool" Now, I am 19, about to be 20 years old and have two tattoos myself! Tattoos to me are an amazing form of art! Some people hate tattoos, and say you are destroying your body, my granddaughter for instance, she finally saw my second tattoo this past Thursday and questioned me about it. She asked "why do you want to do that to your pretty body" then asked "how many more are you going to get" Well, both of my tattoos have strong feelings, and meaning behind them. I got them to represent me. (Well one represents my mother and I)
So, my first tattoo, is four heart connected to create what seems to be a clover. My mom and I got these last November. (2015) Since I started to show more interest in getting a tattoo, she told me that if I found one I thought could be something we got together, she would get it with me. What better first tattoo than a mom and daughter tattoo? I search for about two months and came to find three that I really liked. We agreed on the hearts.
My second tattoo is symbols instead of a design. The symbols are: G>^v. **The last symbol is supposed to be a down arrow.** This stands for "God is greater than the highs and low." I found this online at a time earlier this year that was not ok for me. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship, and started to see that I had lost who I am. I did things I am not proud of, and got pretty low. I let people change me, and make me feel, and act like someone totally different. After finding this tattoo, my life started make a turn around. I felt happier, and noticed I was becoming me again. I continued to think about these symbols, and what they meant to me, and on July 28, 2016 I went and got it! It is a great reminder, and is on my arm where I can see it all of time.
When I was younger I would tell myself I would never get one! Then came the day, I got a phone call while being at my dads for the weekend! "Jessica I have a surprise for you" is what I heard my mother say on the other side of the phone! Thinking this was something physically for me, I remember rushing into the living room at my dads house and saying "I'm ready to go home" (what a great thing to say to your dad when you only spend every other weekend with him!) I do not remember his exact expression, but I know he was shocked!
Fast forward to me arriving back at moms... As I run in the house asking "mom what is it? Show me, show me" as any kid would. She turned around, and I saw this angle with my name above it, and my birthday below it! Now, long story short this was my moms second tattoo at the time, and I only remember feeling quite bummed but happy to see it! I thought it was cool that my mom had something dedicated to me. (BUT..it is a tattoo, and I was a kid, so I was still sort of bummed)
After all of those years of saying no, I believe that this is when I started to say "wow those are so cool" Now, I am 19, about to be 20 years old and have two tattoos myself! Tattoos to me are an amazing form of art! Some people hate tattoos, and say you are destroying your body, my granddaughter for instance, she finally saw my second tattoo this past Thursday and questioned me about it. She asked "why do you want to do that to your pretty body" then asked "how many more are you going to get" Well, both of my tattoos have strong feelings, and meaning behind them. I got them to represent me. (Well one represents my mother and I)
So, my first tattoo, is four heart connected to create what seems to be a clover. My mom and I got these last November. (2015) Since I started to show more interest in getting a tattoo, she told me that if I found one I thought could be something we got together, she would get it with me. What better first tattoo than a mom and daughter tattoo? I search for about two months and came to find three that I really liked. We agreed on the hearts.
My second tattoo is symbols instead of a design. The symbols are: G>^v. **The last symbol is supposed to be a down arrow.** This stands for "God is greater than the highs and low." I found this online at a time earlier this year that was not ok for me. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship, and started to see that I had lost who I am. I did things I am not proud of, and got pretty low. I let people change me, and make me feel, and act like someone totally different. After finding this tattoo, my life started make a turn around. I felt happier, and noticed I was becoming me again. I continued to think about these symbols, and what they meant to me, and on July 28, 2016 I went and got it! It is a great reminder, and is on my arm where I can see it all of time.
"Let everything you do be done in love. -1 Corinthians 16:14
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