A Better Me

A better me...
  This is something I want to challenge myself to think about. Since February I have been working to become Jessica again. I do not want to go into detail about what I changed about myself since I already have a post about that. (The Last Eight Months)  I do however want to think about the positive change after those eight months. I have talked about in other post, how I get the positive comments of "you seem more happy" "this is you." etc. But I want to think about it for myself now.
   On a daily now I wake up in a better mood, because I did not go to bed crying the night before. I always found myself crying myself to sleep... I never really had an answer to why I did this other than thinking about things I knew could happen, and probably would happen if the opportunity came up. I no longer have to worry about the safety of another who constantly put themselves in danger. I am more thankful of how I was raised, and the love and support I get from everyone around me. I do not wake up wishing to not live in this house, or try and find way not to go home right away, because of the tension I was causing.
  I caused the tension with my family. My mom hated how I was acting, and could not stand the reason for this. I love my mom more than ever, she only wanted to protect me, and our relationship now is better than I think it has ever been. She new I had to find this out on my own, but she defiantly did not like me for the longest.
  I put one person before family, friends, and other who cared deeply about me. When it came to certain situation, I remember defending the person over someone who has known me since I was two. Actually, I think this happened about three times. I regret this more than anything. She never would have  done that to me, why did I do that to her? I was stuck! I was brain washed into this mean
mindset. I basically let someone control my emotions, play with them! I control me again!

  I asked some people who either saw me everyday, most days of the week, and someone who I basically cut off for their input and I want to share what they said!
~My friends who saw me everyday:
 "You didn't really smile or laugh as much but now you do.
 "Your stronger now because of the relationship because that person put you through hell and now you know what happiness truly is."
~My cousin who saw/ sees me most days out of the week:
 "You smile more, your friendlier, your more available, you are happier."
~Someone I cut off:
"You communicate more laugh and smile"

  I take these all to heart, and I am challenging myself to continue to grow as a better person, respect myself, and be me! I am still learning who I am, and I am determine to bounce back from this setback. I challenge myself to put be happy and thankful for my life, and the people in it. I can only grow! In about two week I will be twenty years old. I can not believe it! I am starting now to no longer wonder what if that never happened? and to no longer even think about it. I gave myself two weeks to be sad when it all went down, but I have spent way to much time on thinking about everything in all. It is time to completely move on, and destroy the little bit of wall still standing form this. Turning twenty is my day, my time, to start new, focus on me, and fully be me again, only better!
  I am now asking that no one refers to the past, or who was in it. I no longer want to think about it! I ask for positive thought, and comments always! :)

I want to end this post in more of a prayer like Bible verse/ thought
    Father, today I choose to let go of the past mistakes, failures and setbacks. I choose to set my eyes on you and move boldly into the good future you have prepared for me.
Philippians ch 3