Thoughts...

I saw a post today that said "What's hardest for women isn't losing him. It's forgiving her self for falling in love w/ his potential, knowing damn well she saw the warning signs & his inconsistency." This post hit me hard today as I read it while on break at work. I have noticed that getting over this past relationship is hard because 1. I fell for what I knew was going to be wrong.. and 2. I let someone else basically control me, my attitude, and how I went about doing things.
No, I did not love this boy, I do not know how I could have eventually learned to! I enjoyed the fact that I kept secretes from my parents. I enjoyed being bale to tell my friends all this stuff that was "cool"... but really it was not! How could not being able to talk to my mom about things within my relationship be cool? How is it that I accepted the lies on my birthday, and at Christmas time? I was so blind to see this boy for what he truly was! I was caught up in the thought of "how he made me feel" and not able to realize how fake that feeling was.
I grew to be very unhappy, and cut out a ton of people. I stopped talking to the people I have known for a long time and talked to almost everyday, I ditched my friends just to go sit at his house and watch him play Xbox.  It was the most boring relationship, and I could not see it because I felt cool to be with this type of guy.
I sit back now I think about how free and open I now feel not being with him. I do not feel so closed up and mad all of the time. Even people at work come up to me and say "you know, you seem to be much happier" and I just think to myself "wow that guy really did have control over me." When I say control I mean, every time I would do something fun like dance at work he would make comments of "don't do that...That is stupid" so I stopped being my crazy, silly self. He always had an attitude which would cause me to have one by the end of the work night.
This post might be all over the place but it is just my thoughts that were running through my head tonight while working. I am very thankful and happy to no longer be in this relationship, but I wish I would have listened to the people around me who told me to be careful and think about what I was getting myself into. It is hard to see this guys face at work not be able to just look at him and speak my mind, but I have to keep it professional and remember that he was just a bump in the road of life, and I am back on the right path without him, reconnecting with the Jessica I was before he came in the picture.
The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. Romans 8:18 

College Update

Starting this last year of schooling I constantly told myself that using the TN Promise Program for a two year degree in Radiology Technology would be the best road to take, but I recently got to thinking... I though about how much I always looked forward to going to college and living on campus, enjoying football games and everything that comes with college! While thinking about all of this and realizing that I grasped onto one college and gave up on anything else, I decided to apply to Western Kentucky University. I thought I would give it a shot! I do not know yet about their decision on me, but I'm putting it in Gods hands!
I am very happy with this decision, and excited about what is possible for my future! If all goes well and I attend WKU, I will study to be a physical therapist. Many doors are opening and I feel I am ready for new adventures!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength - Philippians 4:13 

The Last Eight Months

When I think about the last eight months, I do not think of being happy or sad. I think about the different emotions I went through. Let me fill you in... I started my last year of this schooling chapter being content with life and all that would be on the road ahead of me. I saw my last year being filled with memories of friends, family and at that time a potential boyfriend. I started applying to schools to further my education and fulfill my dream of working in the field of Radiology Technology. While the stress of applying continued, so did the new relationship. This relationship at the time to me was fun and something new. We spent so much time with together by working and me always being at his house. It was not a relationship I really should have been in now that I look back on it. My first impression of this guy was not a good one at all. His lifestyle was not something I was use to or I needed to get use to, but I did. I went through this whole relationship thinking he and I would last a significant amount of time. I slowly started to see the truth about him. Now, I am not in any way trying to bash this guy, he had his sweet moments, but I should have known how this all would go.

Finishing the applying process, around the beginning of November was a huge relief, now I was just focused on my current schooling, family and boyfriend. The holidays were here and I  started to find out that my boyfriend felt awkward around my family which was a bit disappointing. I did not feel awkward around his, why did he feel this way around mine? That should have been the major warning signal number three, that he and I probably should not be together. I say that this should have been a signal because I am a family person. My family is big, and we love to get together, but there were many times I turned down a dinner with family because I knew he did not want to go. So I basically distanced myself for him. Now I started to get use to being around him a lot, and in my opinion, started to get closer.


Skipping a month or two, it is now March. He and I have now gone our separate ways and honestly it was for the better. I have so many people come to me and tell me that I just look happy, I do not have a look of "mad" anymore. I have found that this is all because of one person. I thought I was happy, but I can even tell a difference in myself. I do not feel the need to constantly worry or think about another person. I just think about me, and the road of life I am on. I changed much of myself in this past relationship, and did things I am not proud of at all, but I am now on a road to better myself with the help of family, friends and the Lord.

I am now just looking to my future, and feel so excited to welcome my niece this week, finish my last nine weeks of school strong, and go the direction the Lord wants me to go while remaining happy once again.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4