Thoughts...

I saw a post today that said "What's hardest for women isn't losing him. It's forgiving her self for falling in love w/ his potential, knowing damn well she saw the warning signs & his inconsistency." This post hit me hard today as I read it while on break at work. I have noticed that getting over this past relationship is hard because 1. I fell for what I knew was going to be wrong.. and 2. I let someone else basically control me, my attitude, and how I went about doing things.
No, I did not love this boy, I do not know how I could have eventually learned to! I enjoyed the fact that I kept secretes from my parents. I enjoyed being bale to tell my friends all this stuff that was "cool"... but really it was not! How could not being able to talk to my mom about things within my relationship be cool? How is it that I accepted the lies on my birthday, and at Christmas time? I was so blind to see this boy for what he truly was! I was caught up in the thought of "how he made me feel" and not able to realize how fake that feeling was.
I grew to be very unhappy, and cut out a ton of people. I stopped talking to the people I have known for a long time and talked to almost everyday, I ditched my friends just to go sit at his house and watch him play Xbox.  It was the most boring relationship, and I could not see it because I felt cool to be with this type of guy.
I sit back now I think about how free and open I now feel not being with him. I do not feel so closed up and mad all of the time. Even people at work come up to me and say "you know, you seem to be much happier" and I just think to myself "wow that guy really did have control over me." When I say control I mean, every time I would do something fun like dance at work he would make comments of "don't do that...That is stupid" so I stopped being my crazy, silly self. He always had an attitude which would cause me to have one by the end of the work night.
This post might be all over the place but it is just my thoughts that were running through my head tonight while working. I am very thankful and happy to no longer be in this relationship, but I wish I would have listened to the people around me who told me to be careful and think about what I was getting myself into. It is hard to see this guys face at work not be able to just look at him and speak my mind, but I have to keep it professional and remember that he was just a bump in the road of life, and I am back on the right path without him, reconnecting with the Jessica I was before he came in the picture.
The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. Romans 8:18