A Better Me

A better me...
  This is something I want to challenge myself to think about. Since February I have been working to become Jessica again. I do not want to go into detail about what I changed about myself since I already have a post about that. (The Last Eight Months)  I do however want to think about the positive change after those eight months. I have talked about in other post, how I get the positive comments of "you seem more happy" "this is you." etc. But I want to think about it for myself now.
   On a daily now I wake up in a better mood, because I did not go to bed crying the night before. I always found myself crying myself to sleep... I never really had an answer to why I did this other than thinking about things I knew could happen, and probably would happen if the opportunity came up. I no longer have to worry about the safety of another who constantly put themselves in danger. I am more thankful of how I was raised, and the love and support I get from everyone around me. I do not wake up wishing to not live in this house, or try and find way not to go home right away, because of the tension I was causing.
  I caused the tension with my family. My mom hated how I was acting, and could not stand the reason for this. I love my mom more than ever, she only wanted to protect me, and our relationship now is better than I think it has ever been. She new I had to find this out on my own, but she defiantly did not like me for the longest.
  I put one person before family, friends, and other who cared deeply about me. When it came to certain situation, I remember defending the person over someone who has known me since I was two. Actually, I think this happened about three times. I regret this more than anything. She never would have  done that to me, why did I do that to her? I was stuck! I was brain washed into this mean
mindset. I basically let someone control my emotions, play with them! I control me again!

  I asked some people who either saw me everyday, most days of the week, and someone who I basically cut off for their input and I want to share what they said!
~My friends who saw me everyday:
 "You didn't really smile or laugh as much but now you do.
 "Your stronger now because of the relationship because that person put you through hell and now you know what happiness truly is."
~My cousin who saw/ sees me most days out of the week:
 "You smile more, your friendlier, your more available, you are happier."
~Someone I cut off:
"You communicate more laugh and smile"

  I take these all to heart, and I am challenging myself to continue to grow as a better person, respect myself, and be me! I am still learning who I am, and I am determine to bounce back from this setback. I challenge myself to put be happy and thankful for my life, and the people in it. I can only grow! In about two week I will be twenty years old. I can not believe it! I am starting now to no longer wonder what if that never happened? and to no longer even think about it. I gave myself two weeks to be sad when it all went down, but I have spent way to much time on thinking about everything in all. It is time to completely move on, and destroy the little bit of wall still standing form this. Turning twenty is my day, my time, to start new, focus on me, and fully be me again, only better!
  I am now asking that no one refers to the past, or who was in it. I no longer want to think about it! I ask for positive thought, and comments always! :)

I want to end this post in more of a prayer like Bible verse/ thought
    Father, today I choose to let go of the past mistakes, failures and setbacks. I choose to set my eyes on you and move boldly into the good future you have prepared for me.
Philippians ch 3


 
 

Two Tattoos

I grew up with a father who had tattoos up and down his arms, and within the past 10 years my mom started getting tattoos as well! I can not count them all, but both parents have them! So, what was the chance that I would ever get one?
When I was younger I would tell myself I would never get one! Then came the day, I got a phone call while being at my dads for the weekend! "Jessica I have a surprise for you" is what I heard my mother say on the other side of the phone! Thinking this was something physically for me, I remember rushing into the living room at my dads house and saying "I'm ready to go home" (what a great thing to say to your dad when you only spend every other weekend with him!) I do not remember his exact expression, but I know he was shocked!
Fast forward to me arriving back at moms... As I run in the house asking "mom what is it? Show me, show me" as any kid would. She turned around,  and I saw this angle with my name above it, and my birthday below it! Now, long story short this was my moms second tattoo at the time, and I only remember feeling quite bummed but happy to see it! I thought it was cool that my mom had something dedicated to me. (BUT..it is a tattoo, and I was a kid, so I was still sort of bummed)
After all of those years of saying no, I believe that this is when I started to say "wow those are so cool" Now, I am 19, about to be 20 years old and have two tattoos myself! Tattoos to me are an amazing form of art! Some people hate tattoos, and say you are destroying your body, my granddaughter for instance, she finally saw my second tattoo this past Thursday and questioned me about it. She asked "why do you want to do that to your pretty body" then asked "how many more are you going to get"  Well, both of my tattoos have strong feelings, and meaning behind them. I got them to represent me. (Well one represents my mother and I)
So, my first tattoo, is four heart connected to create what seems to be a clover. My mom and I got these last November. (2015) Since I started to show more interest in getting a tattoo, she told me that if I found one I thought could be something we got together, she would get it with me. What better first tattoo than a mom and daughter tattoo? I search for about two months and came to find three that I really liked. We agreed on the hearts.
My second tattoo is symbols instead of a design. The symbols are: G>^v. **The last symbol is supposed to be a down arrow.** This stands for "God is greater than the highs and low." I found this online at a time earlier this year that was not ok for me. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship, and started to see that I had lost who I am. I did things I am not proud of, and got pretty low. I let people change me, and make me feel, and act like someone totally different. After finding this tattoo, my life started make a turn around. I felt happier, and noticed I was becoming me again. I continued to think about these symbols, and what they meant to me, and on July 28, 2016 I went and got it! It is a great reminder, and is on my arm where I can see it all of time.

"Let everything you do be done in love. -1 Corinthians 16:14

College/ Questions/ Anxiety/ Friends

My current thoughts consist of starting college on Monday, why I have four English classes, and will I survive?
Monday: August 22, 2016 my first day of college. I'm supper nervous, because I don't know what to expect. I have a ton of questions running through my head!
 Will it be similar to those "OMG college" post?  Will I make those life long friends, or will it just be "see next time" type of friends? I honestly can not tell what I will be stepping into on my first day!
I also changed my major from Radilogy Tech, to Entertainment Media Production: Music Business Concentration. (Big name, and whole other ball park I know) I have gotten my schedule and I have four... yes four English classes! WHAT?? Will I actually survive this? Will my life be filled with constant essays and reports?  *What joy I actually do not have about this!* I have so many emotions about this part! I mean come on, can I at least get a math class? (I hate math)
All this anxiety, I just want it to be good/simple/fun. I don't know, is all three possible?
What in the world was the advisor thinking when placing me into these classes? Why me?

Other thoughts...
My best friends have gone off to university's and I miss them terribly! Two friends when to UTC, one went to Belmont, others are at UTK, APSU... and I'm at home! I guess good thing about VSCC is no classes on Friday, so that means weekend road trips to these places!
I balled my eyes out saying goodbye to specially three best friends, Manda, Kris, Jen! We spent our whole last two years together, and I am not ready for that to change! I need them!

I'm sure all of this will be fine, as I get into routine of school again. Until then, I have a busy, busy weekend, and I am excited to see what life has to offer!
Welcome to me!




"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13"

Something I Struggle With

One main thing I struggle with is school. I have never been the straight A student, with a 4.0 GPA, and ever since I can remember I went back a fourth with good grades and bad grades. I believe some of the issue was changing school so many times, and having different types of curriculum within the five different schools.
I started school at Goodpasture in Pre-K and stayed there until the third grade. Second grade is when I remember everything hitting the fan! My grades were the worlds worst, and no one wanted to help me at all. My parents begged for help, and even had me tested for ADHD and a learning disorder. They did this because the school actually told her there was something wrong with me.
After only a half year in the third grade my mom transferred me to Pioneer, where they tested my skill levels and put me back into the second grade for the remainder of the year. Being put back helped me tremendously. I started receiving the good grades, and everything went great until fifth grade. The school shut down, and I was moved yet again to a Catholic school, St.Pius.
Starting St.Pius I absolutely hated it! We had to go to church every morning, and I had a nun as teacher, and it all was just going wrong. I did not like the idea of not being catholic and going to a catholic school.
Even though I was hating school, I was still making good grades, and half way through sixth grade I actually started to like it and grow close to my 11 other classmates. The next two year I grew even more happy with this school, and when it come to the end of eighth grade, I did not want to leave and go to high school. I did not want to grow into a new school again.
Then came high school at Pope. Where I decided to go because all of my friends were going there, and it was the school to be in! Well, instead of growing to love it like St.Pius I grew to hate it! I personally hated it, it was not my mom this time. I found that my grades were as bad as third grade, and I was fighting for someone to help me with school. I would go to tutorials before and after school where I was told to ask if i had questions. I had no idea what I had questions on, because I got left so far behind. Figuring this out I chose to transfer schools once again.
I transferred to Father Ryan sophomore year, and I honestly can say that it was the best decision of my life. I found that the teachers at FR actually cared about their students, and wanted to help.I spent the rest of my high school years at FR, and now I attend Vol State.
Vol State seems to be very hopeful, and from what I can tell, they will help me as well.
I chose to talk about school, because it is something I have dealt with since day one, and I am that student who just can not wait to be done with school, but I have learned so much about myself just from each school.

"Those who trust in the Lord will find new strengths. -Isaiah 40:31"

***This post is not to hate on any of these schools, or try to change a persons thought of one, it is just my personal experience with each school I have attended:)***

10 Songs I Like Right Now

1. Sorry - Beyoncé
2. Don't Mind - Kent Jones
3. 7 Years - Lukas Graham
4. Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya
5. H.O.L.Y - Florida Georgia Line
6. Tennessee Whiskey - Chris Stapleton
7. Really Really - Kevin Gates
8. Low Life - Future
9. One Dance - Drake
10. Noise - Kenny Cheney

Five Ways to In My Heart

• Show me your sense of humor

I like guys who have a sense of humor. Show me you’re not boring to be with, and you can go along with my jokes. Laugh with me.  Share your stories and thoughts with me.  Show me you’re an open minded person, effortlessly as breathing. Because I love to be with these kind of people. 

• Show me your respect

Show me your respect.  For me, respecting others who are also mean, being honest to them, because you’re respecting their feelings. I hate guys who don’t know how to be respectful, even with their parents. Be a true gentleman by showing your respect. 

• Show me your intelligence and talents

I don’t like a guy who acts like he doesn’t know anything. I want guys who look very intelligent and nice; he looks professional, something like he was aware of everything. Guys with a sporty attitude, is a major turn on with me. Express those talents! 

• Show me your sweetness and efforts

Someone who will sing to me late night until I fall asleep. Someone who will make a call at night to whisper “I love you”. Someone who will give me handmade presents, like drawings, scrapbooks, letters etc. Someone who will not always praise my physical appearance but rather what he loves about my personality. Someone who will tell me, “Let’s go to church” “Don’t forget to say sorry and thank you to God before you sleep”. Someone who will tell me to be a good girl with my parents and someone who will greet my parents very professional and nice.

• Show me you love God and you obey him.

A Christian who loves God and knows how to obey him, the guy who his family is also God believer.

5 Places I want to Visit

Places I want to visit:
1. Paris
2. Italy
3. Greece
4. Spain
5. Cabo


"For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. -Psalm 91:11"

People who inspire me

My mom: I have the best mom in world! She supports me like no other, and does everything she possibly can for me. She is so hard working, loving, and just an overall wonderful women!
My dad: He also does everything he possibly can. I have always loved listening to his life advice. I can always count on him to say it like it is, and suggest what he would do!
Kakie (my grandmother): I want to be her when I grow old! She is so sweet, loving, and just the cutest little lady! She is the best grandmother, and I think everyone wants to be like her!

I honestly have so many people I look up too! They are mostly family members, but there are a lot! I chose these people to write about just because they were immediate thoughts!

"Serve one another in love. -Galatians 5:13"

Top 3 Pet Peeves

So my top three pet peeves are:
1. Asking to many noise questions
   I hate when people keeping asking questions to find out details they do not need to know. Also when people are not involved with a conversation, but they over hear something and either ask "WHAT?" or automatically assume they are in the conversation. I think to myself each time "who asked you, and who asked you to join?" Just because you over hear is not invitation to find out or put you two cents into this conversation!
2. People yelling in the house when you are trying to sleep
   Have you ever seen that video of "Me when mom is sleeping VS Mom when I am sleeping"? That video is a perfect description of my house on Saturday and Sunday mornings. It gets to a point where I just go ahead and get up, because If I say something then my mom or Chris (stepdad) will come in my room and bug the crap out of me until I get up or start yelling. It is a bit ridiculous for them to be up at the butt crack of dawn yelling down the hall for each other.
3. Lying
   Yes, we all lie about things in life, but honestly people lie about the most stupid things. You ARE an adult, just tell the truth, and I promise things will go much more smooth!

So, Yeah these are my top three pet peeves! Number two is really stupid, but its true!

Something that someone has told you about yourself that you have never forgot

One thing specifically that someone has told me and I never forgot is that my attitude has gone back to normal. I was told this recently by some family members and some co-works. All of the conversations that involve this, started out by them asking how I have been doing, and what I have been up too. This then leads into them describing my attitude around certain people who I was hanging out with at the time. (This was about a week or two after I stopped hanging out with these people)
They say I no longer have this "B***" look on my face, and the "I hate the world" vibe! Which I agree with. I can tell that I am much happier now that I no longer hang out with negative people.
I learned the hard way about this. People tried to tell me everyday to stop hanging around these people and not let them influence me, but All I did was hurt myself, and did things I never should have done. I became this, horrible attitude, people hating person. I stuck up for the wrong instead of the right, and I let others change who I was, and the person I wanted to be.
I chose this to write about this, because it was not just a couple of weeks of horrible Jessica... It was a horrible Jessica for six months. After it all ended, I felt how I changed, and then had people telling me about the change. It is honestly the worst to hear about how bad you were becoming, from your own mother, and cousin. It hurts to hear about what you actually put them through! So, I chose this because of how it made me feel after. It made me want to hit rewind, and just not even come in contact with these people.
I am a firm believer in things happen for a reason, and I believe God had a plan for this all. I do not know what he was trying to show me specifically, but I think he had his reasons!

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. -Romans 12:21"

10 Things That Make Me Happy

1. My Family
    ~Anyone who knows me will agree that family is important to me. They come first always, and I love spending time with them!
2. Friends
    ~I do not what I would do without my friends. They are crazy but I love them.
3. My Faith
    ~Who would not be happy with their faith? It is amazing to know that I serve a loving God!
4. Pictures
    ~I love looking at pictures from the past. Whether it be My past pictures or someone else. It is so cool to see how times have changed, or how I have changed myself, and it is even better to hear the stories!
5. Working
     ~ Yes, I know... What 19 year old actually likes to work? Me! I like to make my own money, and be able to save for what I want! I have worked part time since I was 16, and nothing has changed!
6. Meeting new people
    ~I love to meet new people. This also goes along with the type of work I have done! I love hearing someones story of where their from, or how they got to where they are.
7. Writing letters
     ~I only really write one person via hand written letter, and that is a teacher I had from 6th-8th grade. She is religious and that is really the only way to communicate with her. We got really close those three year, and she inspired me to do so much.
8. New Outfits
     ~I think this makes every girl happy!
9. Mexican Food
    ~ It is my favorite
10. Life
    ~I could not be more happy with my life and everything in it! I am so thankful for what I have, the people who are in my life, and the my bright future!

You keep me in perfect peace as I trust in you -Isaiah 26:3

Inspiring Questions

I have found a list of questions that I want to think about. I think that this is the best way:

1. Are you doing what you truly want to do?
    I honestly think that at this point in my life I am still trying to figure out what I want to do. I changed the idea of "what I wanted to be when I grow up" so many times. I hope that my decision to study Radiology Tech is what I will truly love doing. Currently I have two part time jobs and love them. I get to interact with so many different people with each event. So, right now I am doing something that I enjoy, but I know this will not be my future.
2. How many promises have you made, and how many of them have you fulfilled ?
    In life everyone makes a ton of promises. I know I have! I have no idea how many I actually kept or just let go. My intentions are to keep them and make either myself happy or keep the other persons trust. I try my best!
3. Will you break the rules because of something/someone you care about?
    I believe that I have to do whatever it takes to myself happy with what I do in life. Therefore, if I have to break a rule or two to make my dreams happen, then I will put in a lot of thought and make sure it will end the way I need it to. Now for family and ones I love I probably will to help protect them if need be. But honestly if it is something stupid defiantly not.  In the end we all make mistakes and mistakes come with breaking rules every one in a while.
4. Is there anything you can't let go of but you know you should?
    HMMMM!!! Starting with me being mad or upset with someone or something... I give myself about two or three days to ponder on it, then I have to let it go. But in ways of me continuing to hold onto something... I do not think I have anything I should let go.:)
5. Do you remember anyone you hated 10 years ago?
    That is a big NO! I barely remember 10 years ago.
6. If you'd die now, would you have any regrets?
    Most defiantly! I think regrets just come with life. Again, we all make mistakes, we are NOT perfect.
7. Are you afraid of making mistakes even though there is no punishment at all?
   For sure! I always think of every possible thing that could happen after! I beat myself up thinking about everything bad that could happen, and then everything turns out just fine! It comes with who I am, and how I was raised to think! I think about the good and the bad, I think about everything and stress myself out... I is just me.
8. What's the difference between you and most other people?
    I do not know how to answer this! I personally can not stand to be in the middle of drama, and try to get myself out of it as fast as possible. Or even just avoid it at all coast. Also, I love to work, and to make my own money. What 19 year old actually has enjoyed working since they were 16. Yes, I have held a seasonal job for 4 years in a row, and a event based part time job for a year now. I have loved every minute.
9. If today was the end of the world, what would you do?
   We will never know when the end of the world will be, so why or how will I decide what I will do?
I pray that I will be doing something that pleases the Lord, and makes him proud of the Christian I am and have been.

These were just some questions I found online and thought it would be cool to think about them and have my answer to look back on. Hope you enjoyed, maybe you can ask yourself and examine where you are. :)
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. - Psalm 37:7"

Me and Happy!

It still has not hit me that I graduated from high school a week ago, but I have! I've also officially moved into the new house... FINALLY!!!! :) With a new house, and just a few months away from starting college, everything seems to finally be going my way. 

Ok, maybe not my way, I mean I really did not want to move, but that is besides the point. I mean my way as finally feeling happy with myself and what is ahead. It seems as if my whole senior year, except the last few months, that I was held under, unable to be myself. I have spent the last four months or so finding my happy again. Spending time with friends, family, and just focusing on myself  has made me realize how much I missed out on. I made myself settle for one college opportunity, I  pushed away family, and I ditch my friends. Luckily this all changed when I found who actually supported me. 

First are my friends, Jen, Kris, and Manda! Ahh, how thankful I am for them. Finding my true friends was a big part of my last year in high school. These three girls have seen me at my worst of wanting an Apple Watch, crying through a break up, and really excited for no reason. I truly would not have made it through this last year without them. Manda always makes sure I am okay, Jen can always make me laugh, and Kris is the one to go after anyone I ask her to. All three are there no matter what, and we all four have become our own family. 

Second, my family. What mom would support and hate your decisions at the same time? My mom! As much as she has hated or strongly disagreed with my decisions, she would support me more. No other person can possible support me more. My dad, the man who tells me what he thinks, and ends up being right about 90% of the time. If it were not for my mom and dad risking jobs, paying tuition, and their endless love, I would not make it. 

Last, focusing on me. I finished high school stronger than I thought I would, and it has made me see that hard times will come, but you can get through them. I no longer try to impress or make anyone else happy but me. I am only one person and can not tend to everyone's needs, but I try my best to a good friend and daughter.

 I have also found that, not worrying or even thinking  about such small things will make it all easier. I tend to make things harder than the really are, and it helps to just not stress, and look at what is ahead. I found a quote that says "I love the person I've become, because I fought to be her" I relate to this because I've been through a lot to get where I am, and I want to continue to be happy, and build my faith, friendships, and love for others to be the best me. 

"Be truly glad there is wonderful joy ahead - 1 Peter 1:6"

Is it Really Over?

Where do I even begin? There has been so much happening within the past month, that I barely can keep up with myself. The last thing I posted about was moving and prom. So... I guess there?

Moving: We are still not in this new house. I am getting to the point where I just want to move my stuff in and be done. It has been about two months and we still are not in. This is ridiculous!

Prom: (Keep reading)

 Prom was absolutely amazing! I had a guy who I sort of grew up with, Chase, contact me and said he would love to take me to prom and I said yes, So that was pretty awesome! We danced then had senior presentations. I expected it to be awkward because I had not seen Chase in a while, but we had an amazing time! The night ended with us all hanging out, and staying at Jenifer's house. Within the three proms I have been to, this year was the best. Being with all friends and just having a good night.

So, that is the update part, but this post is titled "Is it Really Over?" and I am talking about school.

 I just finished my last week of school! Well, besides finals! This next week consist of three written exams and two project exams. Yesterday was the day we all brought in our oxford button downs and had everyone sign them. I cried twice, Once with a girl named Simone, who I have been in school with since 6th grade and again with my cousin who I have spent the last three years with.

High school, the times of friends, academics, extra curricular activities and the the best time of your life. May 15, 2016, is it really over?

The memories of my friends will never fade, but the thought of not seeing them everyday is starting hit me. It is getting to me that I will no longer see or talk to my friends every acceptable minute while in school. I will no longer be able to eat a chicken biscuits on the senior patio with Jenifer, Kristen, and Amanda... or take last minute digital media pictures in the cafeteria while waiting for school to start. All of these will no longer happen after this week. It will be very hard seeing the majority of my friends leave Nashville, but I really do hope that we all keep in contact as we do now.

Academics, the worst, but proud memories that I will have. My academics have changed so much with the help of all of my teachers! I would not be where I am now without them. I will no longer have such a strong support system behind me like the academic support program, or even take my test elsewhere. I do believe I have grown enough to branch out and be able to start college strong, but it was nice to hear a teachers encouraging words of “just slow down, and take it one step at a time”. These are words I have heard many times while taking test. Especially this last year!

No more football games. No more “JUNGLE”. I am really sad about this! I will no longer paint up at the practice fields before a game. The jungle was so much fun. The music, the baby powder, the water all being thrown everywhere, was the best. It made our student section unique, to have our own speaker system throughout the section. Although administration would make us cut it off, or turn it down. I looked forward to football games every week because of this.

 All of this ends this week, and Jenifer, Amanda, and Kristen have been a very big part of this last year, and have seen me emotional about my past boyfriend, stressed about what is to come next, and hyper as I could possibly be. I never knew I could get so close to people so quick, only to have it all come to an end. Leaving these girls will be the hardest part about this next week. Kristen and Jenifer will leave for UTC in the fall, and Amanda goes to Belmont, and me to Vol State. I do not want our friendship and "SQUAD" to be the typical: us all going to college and hardly ever talking again. I don't think I can handle that! It would be different if we were all going to the same school, but us being separated is going to kill me!  I've had friendships to just fall like this and it sucks.  These girls have gotten me through this last year and made it the best! I just want to go back to the first day again and relive every moment, like Live on the Green, football games, shopping trips, and DT'S (deep talks) net to a fire. 

All of these memories, and I hope that we stay in contact, and visit each other every chance we get. I can not let myself loose these types of friend. They will be my bridesmaids in the future, and life long friends... I can not have that plan ruined. They have earned more of a sister status in my heart, and they are truly the best. 

In Tim McGraw's song Humble and Kind he sings "When you get where you're goin don't forget turn back around" I pray that we all four do this! That we do not forget about each other, because these are true friendships that I do not want to ever loose. 

Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angles unawares.  Hebrews 13: 1-2

Stupid Stress

Latly I have been all over the map! Stressing about moving into a new house, a date for one specific night, and college. All three play a major roll on my year of 2016!

I never thought of how hard it would me to actually start packing up my life and seeing what I've lived in since I was two become empty! I honestly never thought I would have to say goodbye to my childhood home! Yes, I have divorced parents and my dad has moved in and out of houses and apartments since they divorced... But this house I've lived in with my mom, step dad, and two step brothers has been the one consistent place! I always told myself I would never leave Nashville, and I always hoped that when the day came for my parents to move to Florida, I would be left this house, or it would some how still be in the family. Yeah maybe I have not said goodbye to it yet, and yeah it will still be in the family after...but this is my childhood home... I don't want to go, I don't think I am ready! I have so many memories here, like the times my cousin who would come babysit me...or the typical fighting with my stepbrothers. Not to metion the many different pant colors my room has gone through! It is hard to see it slowly become empty, and it will be hard to adjust! 

Now this date for one night... PROM! This year has been the most stressful preparation for prom! I got the dress, the shoes, hair and make up appointments, but no date! I feel pretty ridiculous knowing that I've basically asked three none students to go and they all have other things to do! I am losing hope, and honestly just do not want to go! You see, seniors get presented, so it would be a bit weird that I be the only one without someone to present me... I bought a $300.00 dress which at the time I had a boyfriend and thought everything was just set I stone and all I had to do since he did not go to school with me is post a cute prom-posal picture! HA! Yeah that did not go as planned! So if you need a date HMU! 

So college... It's coming down to wire of "Jessica what do want to do with your life" truth is... I have not freaking idea! I need to plan a visit to schools to see if I would feel comfortable at them and I need to apply for housing and some how find money for tuition without going in debt! Any suggestions please feel free to "lemme" know!--- I now find myself asking why I waited to the last minute to apply to a school? Why did I settle for just one back in the fall? 

There is one thing that helped me make a big decision in my life back in seventh grade and that was a pros and cons list... I need to get on this! 

When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I. -Psalms 61:2 

Thoughts...

I saw a post today that said "What's hardest for women isn't losing him. It's forgiving her self for falling in love w/ his potential, knowing damn well she saw the warning signs & his inconsistency." This post hit me hard today as I read it while on break at work. I have noticed that getting over this past relationship is hard because 1. I fell for what I knew was going to be wrong.. and 2. I let someone else basically control me, my attitude, and how I went about doing things.
No, I did not love this boy, I do not know how I could have eventually learned to! I enjoyed the fact that I kept secretes from my parents. I enjoyed being bale to tell my friends all this stuff that was "cool"... but really it was not! How could not being able to talk to my mom about things within my relationship be cool? How is it that I accepted the lies on my birthday, and at Christmas time? I was so blind to see this boy for what he truly was! I was caught up in the thought of "how he made me feel" and not able to realize how fake that feeling was.
I grew to be very unhappy, and cut out a ton of people. I stopped talking to the people I have known for a long time and talked to almost everyday, I ditched my friends just to go sit at his house and watch him play Xbox.  It was the most boring relationship, and I could not see it because I felt cool to be with this type of guy.
I sit back now I think about how free and open I now feel not being with him. I do not feel so closed up and mad all of the time. Even people at work come up to me and say "you know, you seem to be much happier" and I just think to myself "wow that guy really did have control over me." When I say control I mean, every time I would do something fun like dance at work he would make comments of "don't do that...That is stupid" so I stopped being my crazy, silly self. He always had an attitude which would cause me to have one by the end of the work night.
This post might be all over the place but it is just my thoughts that were running through my head tonight while working. I am very thankful and happy to no longer be in this relationship, but I wish I would have listened to the people around me who told me to be careful and think about what I was getting myself into. It is hard to see this guys face at work not be able to just look at him and speak my mind, but I have to keep it professional and remember that he was just a bump in the road of life, and I am back on the right path without him, reconnecting with the Jessica I was before he came in the picture.
The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. Romans 8:18 

College Update

Starting this last year of schooling I constantly told myself that using the TN Promise Program for a two year degree in Radiology Technology would be the best road to take, but I recently got to thinking... I though about how much I always looked forward to going to college and living on campus, enjoying football games and everything that comes with college! While thinking about all of this and realizing that I grasped onto one college and gave up on anything else, I decided to apply to Western Kentucky University. I thought I would give it a shot! I do not know yet about their decision on me, but I'm putting it in Gods hands!
I am very happy with this decision, and excited about what is possible for my future! If all goes well and I attend WKU, I will study to be a physical therapist. Many doors are opening and I feel I am ready for new adventures!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength - Philippians 4:13 

The Last Eight Months

When I think about the last eight months, I do not think of being happy or sad. I think about the different emotions I went through. Let me fill you in... I started my last year of this schooling chapter being content with life and all that would be on the road ahead of me. I saw my last year being filled with memories of friends, family and at that time a potential boyfriend. I started applying to schools to further my education and fulfill my dream of working in the field of Radiology Technology. While the stress of applying continued, so did the new relationship. This relationship at the time to me was fun and something new. We spent so much time with together by working and me always being at his house. It was not a relationship I really should have been in now that I look back on it. My first impression of this guy was not a good one at all. His lifestyle was not something I was use to or I needed to get use to, but I did. I went through this whole relationship thinking he and I would last a significant amount of time. I slowly started to see the truth about him. Now, I am not in any way trying to bash this guy, he had his sweet moments, but I should have known how this all would go.

Finishing the applying process, around the beginning of November was a huge relief, now I was just focused on my current schooling, family and boyfriend. The holidays were here and I  started to find out that my boyfriend felt awkward around my family which was a bit disappointing. I did not feel awkward around his, why did he feel this way around mine? That should have been the major warning signal number three, that he and I probably should not be together. I say that this should have been a signal because I am a family person. My family is big, and we love to get together, but there were many times I turned down a dinner with family because I knew he did not want to go. So I basically distanced myself for him. Now I started to get use to being around him a lot, and in my opinion, started to get closer.


Skipping a month or two, it is now March. He and I have now gone our separate ways and honestly it was for the better. I have so many people come to me and tell me that I just look happy, I do not have a look of "mad" anymore. I have found that this is all because of one person. I thought I was happy, but I can even tell a difference in myself. I do not feel the need to constantly worry or think about another person. I just think about me, and the road of life I am on. I changed much of myself in this past relationship, and did things I am not proud of at all, but I am now on a road to better myself with the help of family, friends and the Lord.

I am now just looking to my future, and feel so excited to welcome my niece this week, finish my last nine weeks of school strong, and go the direction the Lord wants me to go while remaining happy once again.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4